I look so good without you

Hey boy I would have thought that, when you left me I'd be broken, with my confidence gone, so gone.
Hey boy i would have thought that when you said that you don't want me, I'd feel ugly as if something was wrong.

Standin' in front of the mirror, my skin's never been clearer. My smile's never been whiter.

I look so good without you. 
Got me a new hairdo...
Lookin' fresh and brand new, since you said that we were through.
Done with your lies.
Baby now my tears dry.
You can see my brown eyes ever since you said goodbye.


(Lyrics from Jessie James's I look so Good (without you) --No attempt to claim as my own)


Now, this song came out a while back and I really liked it at the time. But now...I can actually relate to it and embrace it.


I like to call these days the "post douche god days." I'm so done now that I can talk to him (which I did today because he went through once of his "oh I haven't talked to Kayla in a while phases" and kept bugging me) and it doesn't even phase me. 


I feel so much better lately. I'm just all around happier...there's not this constant nagging feeling of wanting to talk to him. I felt like Jacob's friends described in New Moon (movie)
"Now we can get a break from Jake's obsessive inner monologue"
"I wish Bella would call"
"I wish Bella wouldn't call"
"Maybe I should call Bella"
"Maybe I should call Bella and hang up"


Yeh, I was Jacob and he was my Bella. Unobtainable. He wanted everyone but me and I couldn't get over it.
BUT NOW I HAVE! 


I'm all about me these days. Focusing on doing good in the present, striving towards my future, and just in general not wanting any boys (besides a small crush or two....or three). 


But now back to the song...when I first found out he had a girlfriend and realized that I finally needed to move on...I felt like the first few verses:


Hey boy I would have thought that, when you left me I'd be broken, with my confidence gone, so gone.
Hey boy i would have thought that when you said that you don't want me, I'd feel ugly as if something was wrong.


His girlfriend is an ugly Neanderthal cankle whore (NCW) and my opinion of her has not changed just because I'm over everything now. I couldn't understand why he picked her and I felt like there must be something wrong with me. Am I ugly? Does he only dig thick chicks that look like men and have ankles bigger than my thigh? I didn't know...but now that doesn't even bother me (doesn't change the fact that she is NCW)


The next line is my favorite:


Standin' in front of the mirror, my skin's never been clearer. My smile's never been whiter.


I've been looking in the mirror lately and I honestly feel like I'm prettier now. I know it sounds crazy and weird but it's true. I think I had this hurt hidden in my face that I didn't even realize was there. Now it's gone....I'm free and happy and it looks good on me. I'm starting to feel confident in myself and realize that I don't need a man in my life (especially one that treats me the way he has)


The last bit of the song just kinda sums in all up...it's so great to be happy with just yourself. If you don't love you, how can you expect others to? I'm really not looking for love right now...I'm not in a place in my life where I can settle down. I don't want to and I don't want to have a bunch of meaningless hook-ups either. So for now, I'm going to stay in a relationship with myself and strengthen my relationships with my friends and family because those are the people who really matter the most. I sincerely believe that I will never let anyone hurt me the way he has again...


The funniest thing about it is that he doesn't even know that I've had this transformation...he lives in this fantasy world where we're friends and will be forever. Maybe we will...maybe now I can be just his friend. I just don't know if he can handle being JUST my friend (no benefits). We'll see what happens and of course I'll keep updating this blog with the details!

I look so good without you. 

Got me a new hairdo...
Lookin' fresh and brand new, since you said that we were through.
Done with your lies.
Baby now my tears dry.
You can see my brown eyes ever since you said goodbye.

Life after the Douche God of the Universe

Yes you have come to the right conclusion....I am finally moving on from the Douche God! And I'm not sorry! (This next snippit is taken from my other blog www.im-sorry-but.blogspot.com....I felt it needed to be on here too)


I'm not sorry....


I'm not sorry that last night I had a dream about a boy who is NOT the douche god of the universe. YES! I am now moving on, even in my unconscious! :) Now don't go all mind-in-the-gutter on me....it was a G-rated dream but the point is....there was a boy in it who doesn't suck at life! Amazingggg!

I'm also not sorry that I think about the douche god less and less each day. Obviously, I'm sort of thinking about him right now but in general, the thoughts are less frequent. I used to obsess and think about him all the time. Pathetic right?? yes...yes it is. "Should I text him" "I wish he would text me" "I wish he wasn't the biggest scum-bag on the face of the earth" blah blah blah blah blah douche god douche god douche god. It was getting old so I'm definitely glad to be moving on.

I'm not sorry that I ignored his call the other day. Yeh, that's right. I ignored the call and I didn't feel bad about it. There was no desire to text him and be like "sorry I missed your call". No desire to call him back. No desire to talk to him at all.

I'm not sorry that I'm wishing for him to forget I exist. That would be the best thing for me really...because then I wouldn't have to deal with him!

I'm not sorry that I think his roommates are better people than he is AND better looking.

I'm not sorry that I deleted him from Facebook, Twitter, and Skype. The point of social networking sites is to connect with people that you actually want to talk to.

I'm not sorry that all of my friends and family don't like him because I've told them about all the crap he's put me through.

I'm not sorry that people who don't even know him don't like him because they've been reading my rants about him on my blogs.

I'm not sorry that I started this whole blog just to rant about how awful he (and people like him) is. 

So all in all, I'm not sorry that I'm moving on! I feel great about it and I hope that each day just continues to get easier and easier!


Moving on feels great! I'm hoping to find a nice douche cabbage in the future! I'm definitely not going to be accepting this crap in the future! 


That's all for now...
xoxo

This is the song that never ends...

I've been neglecting my Down with Douche Lords blog lately because I've been trying to get all my posts in to "I'm sorry but" (www.im-sorry-but.blogspot.com) ....but no worries! Today I've got something to talk about that is only suitable for here!

Okay, so today is Day 1 of don't think about Douche God (it's starting to feel like Harry Potter.....He who must not be named....)....clearly I'm already failing miserably as I am writing this blog right now...but let me just tell you about how the UNIVERSE IS AGAINST ME! Which is of course to be expected...he is the douche god of the universe...and so trying to forget him means that everything and everyone is conspiring to make me think about him! CURSE HIMMMM!

First, BACK STORY! Douche God has now completely moved on....so I've decided (more than ever...and again) that I HATE HIM! Wooooo! Like this time, I don't even want to try to stay his friend. This was really the last straw. And why would I want to stay friends with someone who is such a shitty friend to begin with? Man fuck him! "We're gonna be friends forever...even ten years from now...blah blah blah.....Don't get a husband and forget about me" and then a week later he's in a relationship.....well you know what I have to say to that....SUCK MY DICK ASSHOLE!

I'm sorry but I can not be friends with a person like that. My friends don't treat me like shit, lead me on, string me along, only think about me once in a blue moon, use me, and so on....

CHEESE AND RICE...with friends like that...I'd have no use for my enemies!!!

So that's the back story....The plan now is to completely erase thoughts of Douche God from my life and move on to the next Douche (who will hopefully only be a douche cabbage....please lord!).

So here's how I decided to put the plan in motion....I was going to completely occupy my brain with other thoughts. So I picked an extremely annoying and catchy song to sing whenever a thought of him entered my mind. This is what I came up with...

This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they'll keep on singing it forever just because.......


Perfect right?! WRONG! Because apparently my cognitive capacity is above this...I can actually sing this song while still thinking about the Douche God....so I temporarily tried counting in Spanish....and that's when I realized that I could count in Spanish AND sing that annoying song at the same time and STILL think about Douche God. Impressive! But also very annoying...

But with practice and lots of animated dancing in my head...I am now able to sing this song and forget about the Douche God!

HOORAY!

But here's the problem....like I said, THE UNIVERSE IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!

Let's talk about all the things we talked about in Cognitive psychology today that made me think of him
Alright so we're talking about "forgetting" and we start talking about "motivated forgetting" which is when you purposefully try to forget something. So obviously since that has been my mission all day...it made me think about him! FAIL.
THEN we started talking about "retrograde amnesia" which is when you forget stuff that happens just before a trauma...and OF COURSE we have to use the example of football players getting concussions. I mean really....do we HAVE to talk about FOOTBALL?!?
THEN we were talking about bias in memories and so the topic of relationships ending came up....which obviously brings the thoughts right to the forefront of my brain again!!

WTF?!!! I can't escape!!!!

Then to make it even worse the song "Lips of an Angel" came on the radio when I was on my way home from class. THAT is a song about CHEATING or wanting to cheat at least! And Douche God is of course a cheater....BAHHHHH! And stupid Ke$ha's new song was on the other channel so there was nothing I could do but listen to it....because I would much rather listen to a song about cheating than have my ears start BLEEDING from listening to Ke$ha.....*sigh*

I can only hope that with time this will get easier...I am going to stop thinking about him eventually....he will soon be nothing but a speed bump in my road of life....

I'm really hoping that he'll just leave me alone from now on. If only I could get that lucky.....

Everyone else dealing with their douches out there....good luck in the trying to forget them stage! Hopefully you'll have an easier time than I'm having so far.

Also congrats to my BFF Fallon for getting a new job!!! :)

I don't Understand

Okay so I don't know if I've mentioned this before or not but I'm a psychology major (not that it really matters if I've mentioned it because everyone who reads this blog knows that....but that is beside the point)

I am a psychology major. I like to understand people....its pretty much implied in the field.

I like to study behavior. I like to know why people do what they do. And despite my deep loathing for cognitive psychology, I actually like to know what people are thinking and why they're thinking what they're thinking. I like to know how something could possibly make sense to someone when in reality it makes no sense. I wonder about factors of people's behavior....personality? mental issues? how they were raised? has society/peer groups/friends shaped them to be that way?

You get the point....I like to understand.

So OBVIOUSLY I find myself quite frustrated much of the time because I just don't understand guys.

Nothing they do makes sense.  Nothing they say makes sense. You try to interpret all of the signals they're putting out (as you would in any other relationship) and you always end up coming to the wrong conclusion. Now I'm pretty good at understanding people (psych major...duh) so I feel like...it can't be me. I also talk to my friends who often can't figure out what the heck guys mean.

I guess it's because a lot of the time their words and their actions don't add up. They say one thing and then they do another that leads you to believe something else. "I care about you" .....and you never hear from them.  How are you supposed to interpret that? I mean obviously they don't actually care about you because if they did then they'd want to see you or at least talk to you. But, then why say it? If you did nothing to lead them to say that....why say it? Maybe some part of them does care but they're just too stupid to act like they care.

The lack of understanding probably also stems from different views that males and females have in general. Guys and girls vary on what they consider a normal number of sex partners, what a "friend" is, what it means to be dating someone, views on cheating, and so on....it's completely different viewpoints for girls and guys, so how are we ever supposed to be on the same page?

Bah! I was hoping that by writing this post I may have been able to talk through it and come to some sort of conclusion that would make everything make sense....I have so many thoughts in my head and I thought that maybe if I could get them down then everything would make sense.

But alas, I'm here at the end of what I feel like saying tonight and I'm no less confused than I was when I started writing. *sigh*

I guess guys are meant to be a mystery....the craziest thing to me is that they feel the same way about girls.....guess it all just goes back to being straight up with each other. Maybe if we weren't so cryptic and just said how we felt then things would be easier.....but that's not gonna happen.

That's all for now...

Down with question askers!!

Okay, so I'm studying for a test in cognitive psychology. I quite literally feel as if I've learned nothing in this class. There are lots of reasons for this....many of which I'm willing to accept blame for. HOWEVER....there is one large problem that I'd like to push off on some other people in my class.

WHY OH WHY?! In EVERY DAMN CLASS....is there that ONE PERSON....who thinks it's cool to ASK A BUNCH OF IRRELEVANT QUESTIONS?!?!?!

Sure, it's loosely related to the topic at hand. But it's not directly relevant. It won't be on the test. It doesn't shed light on what's being discussed. It's just annoying.

I mean really...are you trying to show the professor that you're smart? Guess what?! HE DOESN'T CARE! In a class of 60some people he probably doesn't even know who the fuck you are! SO SHUT UP ALREADY! Stop asking these dumb questions so that the rest of us can actually do well in class!

See here's what happens to me...
I'm sitting there...diligently taking notes (*wink*) when someone asks an irrelevant question. I listen to the professors answer for a few before starting to feel confused. Once the confusion sets in, I stop listening. I mean really, no reason to get all befuddled over something stupid. But here's the problem...sometimes I forget to start listening again. So the professor has started talking about something relevant again and I've missed it!!! UGHHH!

I BLAME THE QUESTION ASKERS!!!

If they hadn't started him on that confusing rant then I wouldn't have had to stop paying attention! I would've been 100% focused all along (*wink*) which then would've led to me totally understanding and feeling like I actually learned something.

As it is, cognitive psychology is PLAGUED with question askers. It's worse than the fucking locusts! So, I'm sitting here....studying for my test. Realizing I know nothing. And for a break....I decided to write this blog.

Question askers suck. We should throw rocks at them.

The end.

The worst part about liking a douche (duke or above)...

So there are lots of bad things about liking a douche duke or douche lord (or if you're me...the douche god of the universe). But there's one thing that's worse than everything else...and it actually doesn't have anything to do with the guy!

Let me back up to make this all make sense.

When you meet a guy, usually you think he's okay. You put him in the douche cabbage category and begin your little fling (whatever it may be). As time goes on you start to like him or maybe even love him. He may have upgraded to a douche knight in this time but you're still not really concerned. But then, after you're in like/love with him...you realize he's a douche duke or lord. Then you're like OH NO!! Because you STILL LIKE HIM! Ahhhh!

It doesn't matter that he treats you like crap sometimes...
It doesn't matter that he ignores you (sometimes for weeks at a time....or maybe that just me :-/ )
It doesn't matter that he's interested in other girls (assuming you aren't officially dating yet...if you are then yes it matters)
Nothing matters...because no matter what he does you still like him.

Again, this could just be the way I am. When I like a guy...I like him and only him. No other guy really has a chance. They may catch my attention for a while but I'll always end up back on the one that I really care about. It also takes me a long time to get over my crush/like/love/whatever...so I tend to be stuck in misery for a long time. No matter what the guy does...I just can't get over him. I'm gonna like him despite all of his flaws. I'll like everything about him. All I want to do is be there for him and I'll keep waiting in the wings hoping that one day he'll realize how great I am and change his ways (psht as if that could happen...)!

And the thing is....it's not my mind here. I consider myself to be of above average intelligence so obviously I KNOW that this makes no sense. I KNOW he's the douche god of the universe. I KNOW I deserve someone who knows what they have in me. I KNOW I deserve someone who wants to be with me and no other girl. I know all of it. My heart on the other hand.....doesn't know. My heart, even though its been beaten and smished over and over again, continues to pine for this guy. Continues to like him. Continues to want him. I can't turn it off....It really has nothing to do with him (obviously...since he's a huge douche) it's just the way I am. I get stuck on people....how damn annoying!

But even after ALL OF THAT.....we still haven't gotten to the very worst part about liking a douche duke/lord/god of the universe.

The absolute worst thing is the way that your friends and family treat you because you still like him. They trash talk him, telling you all the bad things about him and that he's done to you. HELLO!!!! I went through it!!! I'm COMPLETELY AWARE!!!! I don't need you to tell me over and over again how much he sucks!! It's also annoying how they expect you to just get over him as soon as you realize what a huge douche he is. Well guess what....it's not that simple. No one can just turn their feelings off in an instant (and if you're like me then you're really fucked!). They just judge you for liking the person as if it's something you have control over. Sometimes your brain tells your heart over and over again but as they say "the heart wants what the heart wants" and "you can't help who you like"

Now....I'll admit that I've been on both sides of this. I've definitely been on the receiving end a lot in the past year. But I've also been the one dishing out some of the judgment. It's easy when you're on the outside to see that this person needs to move on (it's also especially easy to judge as you sit there in your perfectly happy relationship!). But sometimes they're just not ready and you have to respect that. They'll move on in their own time. Usually they just need some form of closure that can end it all quickly. A clean break. It's especially bad if they're still wondering what could have been. Even though they KNOW that being with the person would've only led to more heartbreak...they still wonder if maybe it could have worked.

So I guess I don't really have any advice here because, like I said, I've been on both sides. So this post is really just a rant about my frustrations....there are a lot of bad things about liking a huge douche....but none of them are as bad as the judgement you receive from your friends and family. Kind of sad how the worst thing about it isn't even related to the guy....

DFS-F

Yes! It's finally here! The Douche Feudal System for Females! Hereafter referred to as DFS-F! (For more info on the DFS see very first post!)

So here's how it plays out! The DFS goes... (in order from highest to lowest)
Douche God of the Universe
Douche Lord
Douche Duke
Douche Knight
Douche Cabbage

And the DFS-F goes like so... (in order from highest to lowest)
Douche Dame
Douche Duchess
Douche Lady
Douche Maiden

Now...you may notice two striking differences between the DFS and the DFS-F
1) There is no DFS-F equivalent of the Douche God of the Universe. This is because I have yet to come across a female quite as horrid as the DGU. I suppose if I ever encounter a woman so horrible, I'll try to figure out some way to incorporate it...but really...girls get pretty nasty but I don't think they get quite THAT bad!
2) The lowest level DFS-F is not a vegetable. This is because no matter what, females are always more classy than males and for no reason should they ever be comparable to mere lowly vegetables.

Other than that...it's pretty much the same!
Your Douche Maiden will be a pretty nice girl but occasionally she'll do a bitchy/douchey thing. This doesn't happen all to often though. Every girl will fall under at least the Douche Maiden category.
Douche ladies are bitchy a little bit more frequently but still overall good people.
The Douche Duchess is one you'd probably get annoyed with quite frequently due to common outbursts of bitchy/douchey behavior. She still has a few redeeming qualities if you can get down to them.
Finally, the Douche Dame is a girl who should altogether be avoided because she's just bitchy nearly 100% of the time and basically has no redeeming qualities. Again, generally there would only be one Douche Dame per city. (I only know of two people who I would qualify as a Douche Dame...the first resides in Harrisonburg but I don't wanna give her the honor of being crowned this because somehow she would see it as a good thing....the second resides in Roanoke, VA)

So...this is relatively short post compared to the DFS post...that's because I don't hate girls quite as much as I hate guys (even though girls can be equally irritating at times).

But alas, here is the DFS-F for all of your usage so that you may go forth categorizing females by level of bitchy-ness!

Have fun and don't abuse it!

Adios!