(Lyrics from Jessie James's I look so Good (without you) --No attempt to claim as my own)
Now, this song came out a while back and I really liked it at the time. But now...I can actually relate to it and embrace it.
I like to call these days the "post douche god days." I'm so done now that I can talk to him (which I did today because he went through once of his "oh I haven't talked to Kayla in a while phases" and kept bugging me) and it doesn't even phase me.
I feel so much better lately. I'm just all around happier...there's not this constant nagging feeling of wanting to talk to him. I felt like Jacob's friends described in New Moon (movie)
"Now we can get a break from Jake's obsessive inner monologue"
"I wish Bella would call"
"I wish Bella wouldn't call"
"Maybe I should call Bella"
"Maybe I should call Bella and hang up"
Yeh, I was Jacob and he was my Bella. Unobtainable. He wanted everyone but me and I couldn't get over it.
BUT NOW I HAVE!
I'm all about me these days. Focusing on doing good in the present, striving towards my future, and just in general not wanting any boys (besides a small crush or two....or three).
But now back to the song...when I first found out he had a girlfriend and realized that I finally needed to move on...I felt like the first few verses:
His girlfriend is an ugly Neanderthal cankle whore (NCW) and my opinion of her has not changed just because I'm over everything now. I couldn't understand why he picked her and I felt like there must be something wrong with me. Am I ugly? Does he only dig thick chicks that look like men and have ankles bigger than my thigh? I didn't know...but now that doesn't even bother me (doesn't change the fact that she is NCW)
The next line is my favorite:
I've been looking in the mirror lately and I honestly feel like I'm prettier now. I know it sounds crazy and weird but it's true. I think I had this hurt hidden in my face that I didn't even realize was there. Now it's gone....I'm free and happy and it looks good on me. I'm starting to feel confident in myself and realize that I don't need a man in my life (especially one that treats me the way he has)
The last bit of the song just kinda sums in all up...it's so great to be happy with just yourself. If you don't love you, how can you expect others to? I'm really not looking for love right now...I'm not in a place in my life where I can settle down. I don't want to and I don't want to have a bunch of meaningless hook-ups either. So for now, I'm going to stay in a relationship with myself and strengthen my relationships with my friends and family because those are the people who really matter the most. I sincerely believe that I will never let anyone hurt me the way he has again...
The funniest thing about it is that he doesn't even know that I've had this transformation...he lives in this fantasy world where we're friends and will be forever. Maybe we will...maybe now I can be just his friend. I just don't know if he can handle being JUST my friend (no benefits). We'll see what happens and of course I'll keep updating this blog with the details!